Active Prayer

Somewhere in the last few weeks I read the concept that prayer is not really prayer until we take action, until we move in the direction, fully in the surrender and faith. It reminds me of the suggestion that we "act as if" until it is so.

I've always thought that prayer was a one-sided conversation, and that meditation was a practice of listening, yet somehow, by the definition of prayer that I just mentioned, it becomes more dynamic, more alive, and more effective.

Either way, I know that I have been struggling to keep up on all the daily disciplines which I have intended to cultivate. In the past I have started out slow, adding different items rather quickly, until I reach overload. Then I would quit it all entirely. In the last couple years, I've really worked on simplifying, and only paying attention to one thing at a time until it is well established. Adding new habits has been very slow.

I am here recognizing consciously that this blog has languished because of this practice. I intend to turn that around, a very little at a time. In past I struggled with what to say. I'm certainly not any kind of expert in recovery (is anyone?), and I didn't wish to identify any of my 12 step work for purposes of anonymity.

I had a dream the other night, however, and was reminded that all twelve step programs that I am aware, as well as most spiritual practices include gratitude. So, I've decided that if nothing else arises here, I can certainly share my gratitude, as it is one of my daily habits to review what I am grateful for right then. This practice has lifted me up out of the darkest cloud days, out of resentment, out of various kinds of self-inflicted miseries. It is the most active prayer practice that I can think of, as well as one of the most effective.

Today, I am grateful for beginning this blog again. I'm grateful for the reminder from my mentor, and my own willingness to begin again, over and over. I'm also grateful to know that I don't have to have all of the answers right now, or do everything right now. Each moment I have the opportunity to begin again.

Blessings to You

I'm hoping your day is filled with the presence of your Higher Power as you celebrate during this season.

Cultivating Joy

For many many years, I have asked for guidance and the power to carry that out. For most things, especially regarding my recovery, I have responded to said guidance in whatever way that I interpreted it to be, explicitly, as best as I could. It has always "paid off" in serenity. There is one area, however, that has been much more about progress than perfection. It's got to do with the cultivation of joy.

Early on, I discovered that guidance would make itself perfectly clear if I did not listen. Pretty soon, the old proverbial two-by-four would come out, for clarity's sake.

"Oh, ok, I get it!" I'd say, and quickly scurry to get back on the road.
Then, one day, I had an epiphany. It occurred to me that most of the time I have a choice. I could have guidance as a joyous thing, or I could wait to recognize it only when I got hit up the side of the head. Ouch!

I decided then and there to choose joy, and immediately started the practice of asking for guidance to show up as joy in my heart, so that I would recognize it. Amazing! I filled up with joy! It seemed like it was leaking out my every pore. Apparently, I need a lot of guidance. For many years now, as I have repeated that request, I have had this undying sense of joy at my center, throughout even my darkest experiences.

Several years back, upon reflection of quite a few years of this daily practice, I had another epiphany. Even though the joy would be quite palpable, when it came to the crossroads of my passion in life and making my living, I would unconsciously choose to do the exact opposite of that joy message. I would should and shame myself into submission - choosing instead to do the "practical" thing everyone else said to do. I would take the path of misery because it was the "responsible" thing to do, forsaking most always the joy-inducing expression of the gifts I have been given. So, I had the flash of insight at this juncture that guidance was telling me to do what I am best at doing. What a concept!

I have discovered that I have put a joy-cap on most my life. Somehow, in my self-concept, joy as guidance was ok, but actively allowing myself to participate in joyous activities was something I needed to curtail and keep a handle on, lest I become too full of it or something. What a bunch of hooey, and yet it has taken most of my life to even recognize that that was what I was doing.

Since then, I have been working on saying Yes! to my higher power even when it means slushing through so much joy that I can hardly stand it. My threshold for joy has been rising as I take on the strenuous work of accepting/receiving it. Life just keeps getting better and better, as I weed out my self-punishing tendencies, and cultivate the ability to immerse in joy.

Lifetime of 12 Step

I was 10 when my Dad discovered his own flavor of 12 step recovery. It shook up our whole family and changed all of our lives permanently. There are some great stories of back then and I may share them somewhere, somehow, sometime. The point here, though, is that I was introduced to 12 step at that tender young age. There was no way out of it. Due to the family dynamic I was fully ensconced. Much of the insanity in our home was alleviated. My view of life and my interpretation of it took a large turn at that time.

I have experienced a life through the lens of experience in many 12 step fellowships, precisely because of this early introduction. I hate to think what life would have been like without it. I love recovery, and the heart and soul of those in it, no matter the flavor.