Blessings to You

I'm hoping your day is filled with the presence of your Higher Power as you celebrate during this season.

Cultivating Joy

For many many years, I have asked for guidance and the power to carry that out. For most things, especially regarding my recovery, I have responded to said guidance in whatever way that I interpreted it to be, explicitly, as best as I could. It has always "paid off" in serenity. There is one area, however, that has been much more about progress than perfection. It's got to do with the cultivation of joy.

Early on, I discovered that guidance would make itself perfectly clear if I did not listen. Pretty soon, the old proverbial two-by-four would come out, for clarity's sake.

"Oh, ok, I get it!" I'd say, and quickly scurry to get back on the road.
Then, one day, I had an epiphany. It occurred to me that most of the time I have a choice. I could have guidance as a joyous thing, or I could wait to recognize it only when I got hit up the side of the head. Ouch!

I decided then and there to choose joy, and immediately started the practice of asking for guidance to show up as joy in my heart, so that I would recognize it. Amazing! I filled up with joy! It seemed like it was leaking out my every pore. Apparently, I need a lot of guidance. For many years now, as I have repeated that request, I have had this undying sense of joy at my center, throughout even my darkest experiences.

Several years back, upon reflection of quite a few years of this daily practice, I had another epiphany. Even though the joy would be quite palpable, when it came to the crossroads of my passion in life and making my living, I would unconsciously choose to do the exact opposite of that joy message. I would should and shame myself into submission - choosing instead to do the "practical" thing everyone else said to do. I would take the path of misery because it was the "responsible" thing to do, forsaking most always the joy-inducing expression of the gifts I have been given. So, I had the flash of insight at this juncture that guidance was telling me to do what I am best at doing. What a concept!

I have discovered that I have put a joy-cap on most my life. Somehow, in my self-concept, joy as guidance was ok, but actively allowing myself to participate in joyous activities was something I needed to curtail and keep a handle on, lest I become too full of it or something. What a bunch of hooey, and yet it has taken most of my life to even recognize that that was what I was doing.

Since then, I have been working on saying Yes! to my higher power even when it means slushing through so much joy that I can hardly stand it. My threshold for joy has been rising as I take on the strenuous work of accepting/receiving it. Life just keeps getting better and better, as I weed out my self-punishing tendencies, and cultivate the ability to immerse in joy.

Lifetime of 12 Step

I was 10 when my Dad discovered his own flavor of 12 step recovery. It shook up our whole family and changed all of our lives permanently. There are some great stories of back then and I may share them somewhere, somehow, sometime. The point here, though, is that I was introduced to 12 step at that tender young age. There was no way out of it. Due to the family dynamic I was fully ensconced. Much of the insanity in our home was alleviated. My view of life and my interpretation of it took a large turn at that time.

I have experienced a life through the lens of experience in many 12 step fellowships, precisely because of this early introduction. I hate to think what life would have been like without it. I love recovery, and the heart and soul of those in it, no matter the flavor.

What Do I Do with the Day?

Each twenty-four hours is unique and transitory. As I get older I seem to be even more aware of this. I pack every day so full that time warps right on by. Still, it is a journey of joy. I start most every day in gratitude and joyous anticipation, and end it joyously grateful for a day of life full of meaning and rich experience. It seems that just letting go of DRAMA opens up my precious time for immersing in a real and juicy life.

On the Edge of the Road

There was a long time there that I commuted many miles, in my little car with the plaid top. It was a crazy split life, but that's a different story. The part that's applicable here is that many times somewhere in the middle of my 2 hour drive, I would just get really tired - wake up and discover you are coming up on a turn and still find it difficult to keep the eyes open kind of tired. So, I would pull over to the side of the road and take a 15 minute power nap. Refreshed by that short interlude, the rest of the trip would be uneventful, and usually even enjoyable.

Life in general has been like that lately. In these days of electronic devices and the extremist work ethic, I find that I just get tired sometimes. When I suddenly wake up and discover that I am headed for a turn, it is obviously time for me to pull over to the edge of the road, no matter how important I think it is to "get 'er done." I know it is time for a power recharge: some surrender, meditation, and seeking guidance. I might even smell a rose or two.

Asking for Inspiration

Today was another of those days that when I considered what I thought I should do, I quickly became  overwhelmed with all of the shoulda, coulda, woulda's. It was more than I could accomplish, so I fell in to the checking of my email instead. Then I did some basic reading.

Once again I am reminded to ask guidance for inspiration. The answers will come. I feel that peace, once more. In this peaceful place I can accomplish all that is mine to accomplish AND experience serenity while I'm at it.

Grateful, I am, once more, for simple truth and guidance.

Being Forgiveness

A good friend came to me today, confused. She wanted to know what I thought about this reading she was studying. The excerpt she read to me said that step 9 was all about asking for forgiveness. I told her that was not my understanding. It seems to me that is it totally about making amends for my wrongdoings. I don't find anything in there about asking the person that I wronged to do something for me.

Upon further reflection, it occurs to me that if it is forgiveness that I seek, I must be forgiveness myself. When I look upon the world with eyes softened by my own attitude of forgiveness, then I experience the ever present tides of my higher powers unconditional love (forgiveness) washing upon my shores.

Layers

I've so often heard the layers of an onion analogy that it is a basic part of my understanding of life (And there are many layers to the meaning of that sentence). I believe that life experiences and the understanding of them or the ability to deal with them do come in layers as we can deal with them, comprehend, and understand them.

Still, at any given time, my brain wants to believe that I have come to the nut of it. I desire to be complete and whole, wise and right. I dig and dig, thinking, "Ah, I finally have the seed!" Wishful thinking - fantasy thinking.

So, I was contemplating this seemingly conflictive conundrum this morning, seeking understanding. In some place or another I heard the saying, "Understanding is the booby prize." I don't know about that, but I do know that I feel satisfied in this moment with the epiphany that blessed my consciousness. 

I saw this image of the onion, and peeling off the layers, until reaching the center. There, in the center was eternity and infinity expressed in simply more refined layers upon layers unending. Inside every seed, besides the DNA is animation, life, love, whatever one wishes to call that infinite God seed that causes the action called growth. The flowering of existence.

I might allow my brain to indulge in this kind of investigation from time to time, however, in my day to day life I experience serenity when I simply lean on faith in this moment, follow guidance, and do the work now.

One Piece at a Time

I'm thinking all of things that I've taken on lately are too much. I'm feeling like I could be overwhelmed, drowned in all of the busy-ness that I have laid out for myself.

Time to remember I don't have to complete it all now. I don't even have to complete it all tomorrow, or next month. I only have to stay in the right now, and do one piece at a time. I am grateful for that.

Inventory Time

How very much I would like to think that I always get it right, that I'm some kind of together or something. HA.

For many years I used to participate in a traditional sweat lodge. It always worked to get my ego right-sized. Especially with our sweat leader. It never failed. Every time that I thought that I was doing well (I felt so sure - in my brain), he would get out the wing and beat on my forehead, asking that my thoughts be straightened out. I didn't have to say a word. He just recognized it.

One thing that I got from that was that it could be obvious to everyone else but me when I was off-center. Some part of me at least was apparently transparent. The more important thing that I deduced from that is that most of the time my ego/brain can go a-kilter when I least suspect it.

Since my sweat leader and his wing are not around anymore, and I haven't found anyone else with his uncanny abilities, the only way that I know to tell whats off-base with me is to honestly take stock of how in integrity my thoughts are with my actions, and my beliefs.  It's never comfortable. It always feels better after.

New Ideas and Old Concepts

I am constantly budding new  ideas. They just sprout constantly. Some of them are hare-brained constructs of my naturally off-kilter mind, but most are the result of surrender, and therefore gifts from my Higher Power.
I am always excited by a new idea - foodstuff for the soul, yet there is no possible physical way that I could act on all of them. So, how do I determine which I should support with my focus and actions? That's where the "Old Concepts" come in: leaning on the 12 steps. To me, surrender is the cornerstone of the steps, as well as achieving grace in any situation. The steps are the foundation upon which I attempt to build any of my constructs. If any of my new ideas will not be held up by that foundation, then I know that it is most likely one of my crazy contraptions, and though "purdy," I can let it go.
The Serenity-Cards are completely a "God thing." It is not what I thought I would be doing, yet here they are, and fully self-supporting.
One thing that all of the ideas that seem to be supported have in common is that they are of service somehow. Serenity-Cards were borne out of the wish to be of service. I hope that you find that they are of service to you.

There but for the grace...

I was reminded yesterday of the grace I have experienced this life. I've been in the mud up past my armpits several times, yet I did not go under. And it was not me that kept me from going under. Grace gave me a solid rock to stand on in that slippery scarey place. And it was grace that nudged me to make the decision to stay on the up and up rather than slide into old behavior. On my own, I am not always so wise. My brain can go a bit crazy over the simplest of things.

So, yesterday, in the midst of counting blessings that have been coming my way lately, I was reminded, and I felt gratitude once more still. And, later in the day, when I got a call from someone who was in a place that I used to be, I repeated "There but for the grace of God..." one more time. I sure appreciate newcomers.

Gratitude Keeps Me Going

When I'm really down in the dumps, all I have to remember is to be grateful to get back out.

Last week my car was stolen while I was at work. I worked from noon until 4pm - so it was during broad daylight and right off of a busy main street. I was shocked. My car is 21 years old and has over 324,700 miles on it. It did not even occur to me for at least a minute that someone took it. I mean, why would anyone take my funky car? They don't know that it still gets 38 mpg. 

Anyway, once it sunk in that that was the only logical conclusion, I started praying. AND, I started with my gratitudes. I was at first grateful that I had been given the car last year and had had all this use of it. I was grateful that my husband was on staycation for the week, so he could pick me up readily. And I silently gave thanks that I was able to find a friendly police person to report the theft to.

Long story short, in the end I stayed in gratitude for the whole experience, even when they found the car and I had to pay $220 to retrieve it from the tow yard a few blocks from my job. And I prayed for guidance.

That is where the big gratitude comes in, with another story. Many years ago I took an important trip in another funky vehicle. It got me there and back again despite all odds, fueled on prayer and guidance, and then completely quit working as I drove into my driveway. As I was walking the 3 mile hike to the bus to get to work the next morning, I prayed and expressed my deep gratitude for the safe travels and all of the clear guidance I had experienced. Then I said,

"You know, it would be really cool, if just once, you would send me really clear guidance sometime, like in the form of a written message. Just so I would really know I wasn't making it up."

A few feet further on my trek to the bus, I noticed something bright blue on the side of the road. It caught my eye, so I stopped and picked it up. It was a laminated poster thingy. It said, "Miracles do happen."

 
My heart filled to overflowing with gratitude. There was something sticky on the back of it, so without thinking, I pulled it off, crumpled it up and tossed it back in the ditch. Then I turned the thing over. There was a very clear rectangle where something had been there to block the suns rays, so that it was faded differently. I picked up the paper I had tossed, uncrumpled it, and read what it had to say, "Message."

That day was one of those miracle-spiritual pinnacle days in my life. I've kept the Message hung on my wall wherever I have lived all of these years since.

So, back to the car.

When I went and picked up my retrieved stolen car last week, I prayed again with gratitude. It started right up. There were no parts missing from it, nothing missing from inside it either. I kept re-affirming that even having to pay the $220 was some kind of a God thing, and that I would remain grateful for having the money to pay it. 

A little ways down the road, I looked in the back seat. Everything had been taken from the floor, and put up on the seat, except one blue thing. There was my Message! laying on the floor of the car! All I can say is, with gratitude, Miracles do happen.

Surrender

I surrender. Then, a bit later, I surrender again. And, a few moments later, once more. Some days it's like that for me. More often than not.

And every time that I surrender, I have a moment of release, and peace, and serenity, even. Maybe, it's the habit of slipping into gratitude at the drop of a hat, and probably it is more likely the moment by moment surrender that fosters the underlying joy in my heart every day, under everything, even the tough stuff.

I don't throw up any white flags. It is nothing about defeat in battle. Rather, it is knowing my better with every fiber of my being. I can let go of my false pride and simply let go of my false sense of control over those things that I really have no control over at all.

It is a gift from higher power. And I am ever grateful, whatever causes it.

The Gift of a Life!

Each morning that I awaken and remember with heartfelt gratitude what a gift life really is, the rest of the day flows easier. Even when there are tough things to walk through, the walking is easier with an attitude of gratitude in my gut.

There have been times in my life that I took it all for granted and plenty of time that I just shucked it through lack of attention or due to abuse of one kind or another. During those dark days hard stuff hit me hard, except of course when I was completely oblivious to it. I think the point is life was pretty much miserable and filled with drama.

Nowadays, however, I recognize what an absolute gift life really is. And when I consciously appreciate that, and give thanks for it, it is a joyous and serene gift indeed.